Melissa was born of gun-toting Republicans that were little seen by Melissa's friends. Melissa had lived through more in her years on this earth than most people ever will. Surely more than people are built to. She once exploded and she walk away from it. No, not figuratively. There were flames, third-degree burns, and a car that no longer had a roof. Later, she did enough coke to kill an elephant and was still sensible enough to tell her mother to take her to rehab -- not that she stayed long since the rehab would not allow her to smoke. She had counseled disturbed children and adults, as well as gave speeches to a roomful of drug abusers that got through to them.

Melissa met Thomm through a girl he briefly dated when he was fifteen. Melissa had three-way calling, so they soon began talking without that girl. An apocalyptic Northern Renaissance painter played a small part in a way we prefer not to expand upon.

She dated Stevehen for several years, longer than most outsiders expected their live-in relationship to last, given that it started with infidelity and more than likely continued with it. They both blamed Thomm for their getting together, since he introduced them. He didn't mean to and had no idea they would hit it off. He was just trying to maximize his time-to-friend ratio, for which he is remorseful. Perhaps too passively, he discouraged them from getting together, but no one listened to him. After the relationship ended -- reportedly involving her threatening her ex with a kitchen knife -- she loathed Stevehen, so Thomm considered himself vindicated in the least satisfying way possible. Despite the loathing, Melissa was incensed that Stevehen wouldn't consider taking her back.

Her mental health was never stable, but losing Stevehen -- her first actual romantic relationship -- pushed her further out of control.

Her best friends was Angela. This made Angela both the longest lasting and tallest female best friend Melissa had ever had. Melissa used to get along with Zack, but they fell out over the fact that Zack's then girlfriend did not like Melissa's then-boyfriend. Also because Zack was a dick, according to her. She got along with Melanie, but did not trust the age difference. She liked Melanie much better than Emily, whom Melissa not-so-quietly scorned behind Thomm's back while the two were a couple. Barring news to the contrary, it was assumed she was copacetic with Amber.

Melissa wrote the column Fear and Loathing in Hopewell Junction.

She died of a heroin overdose in February 2017, eight months before her wedding to her fiance Rob. She once told Thomm that she knew she could never do heroin again, as it would be the thing that would kill her. Evidently, she had been doing copious opiates acquired by drug seeking from doctors and straight up buying it from dealers. One of the dealers admitted after her death that he had stopped selling to her, hoping that he would then have no hand in her inevitable death.

No one was too surprised she died this way. Some expressed shock she had lasted as long as she had.

Vital Statistics

Known Aliases: Melberta, Melisqua, Pricillicone Queen of the Transvestites, Horse Bill, "The Enforcer"

Birthday: August 3, 1980

Date of Death: February 10, 2017

Zodiac: Leo

Height: 5'8.5" (approximately)

Eyes: kaleidoscopic

Hair: Tonks-colored and styled

Spiritual Path/Religion: Mocking atheism, though she seemed to believe in an afterlife. She has made no contact with the living world that we can tell.

Quotes: "Why can't the tinking pinky be the thinking pinky too?"
"I blowed up."
"Did you know that burnt skin smells like McDonald's French fries? Hey, let's go get some McDonalds!"
"Glade hallucinations never lie to you!"
"I like watching stuff more than doing stuff."
"Goddamn you, there is NOT steak in that cow! Oh, wait..."
"It is reputed that there is a chocolate Glade, the Holy Grail. Someday I will find it. I think they have it in Virginia."
"Of course Australia isn't real. Have you ever been there? Of course not. It's not real. Wallabies indeed."
"And skunks think: 'doot doot doot, I'm a skunk. Doot doot doot, I'm a skunk.' Angry skunks think: 'dootdootdoot! I'm a skunk! Dootdootdoot! I'm a skunk!'"
"Man, I'd be so much cooler if I were Black."
"Election day is like Christmas Eve, if Christmas might also be Armageddon."

Divine Dominion Over: Explosions, drugs, rehab, NOFX, The Simpsons

Best advice: "Whatever I do, don't."

Future Profession: No longer applicable

Current Profession:No longer applicable.

Best Quality: Adolescent memories.

Weakness(es): She claimed to know that fire would one day kill her. It didn't, though she was cremated against her wishes, so we can split the difference.

Superpower: No longer applicable.

Similar to: Homer Simpson, Bill the Cat