Thomm Quackenbush, author

    Melissa

    Melissa

    Melissa was born of gun-toting Republicans that are little seen by Melissa's friends if said friends know what is good for them. Melissa has lived through more in her years than most people ever will. Certainly a lot more than people are built to. In fact, she once exploded and she walk away from it. No, not figuratively. There were flames, third degree burns, and a car that no longer had a roof. Later, she did enough coke to kill an elephant (really) and was still sensible enough to tell her mother to take her to rehab. That's impressive and you know it. She has counseled disturbed children and adults, as well as given speeches to a room full of drug abusers that actually got through to them.

    Melissa met Xen through a girl he briefly dated when he was fifteen. Melissa had three-way calling, so they soon began talking without that girl. An apocalyptic Renaissance painter played a small part in a way we prefer not to expand upon.

    She dated Stevehen for several years, longer than most outsiders expected their live-in relationship to last. They both blame Xen for their ever getting together, since he introduced them. He certainly didn't mean to and had no idea they would remotely hit it off. He was just trying to maximize his time-to-friend ratio. He, perhaps too passively, discouraged them from getting together, but no one listens to him. After, she loathed Stevehen, so Xen considers himself vindicated in the least satisfying way possible.

    Her best friends was Angela. This made Angela both the longest lasting and tallest female best friend Melissa had ever had. Melissa used to get along with Zack, but they fell out over the fact that Zack's then girlfriend did not like Melissa's then boyfriend. Also because Zack was a dick, according to her. She got along with Melanie, but did not trust the age difference. She certainly liked Melanie much better than Emily, whom Melissa not-so-quietly scorned behind Xen's back while the two were a couple. Barring news to the contrary, it was assumed she was copacetic with Amber.

    Melissa wrote the column Fear and Loathing in Hopewell Junction.

    She died of a heroin overdose in February 2017, eight months before her wedding to her fiance Rob.


      Vital Statistics

      Known Aliases: Melberta, Melisqua, Pricillicone Queen of the Transvestites, Horse Bill, "The Enforcer"

      Birthday: August 3, 1980

      Date of Death: February 10, 2017

      Zodiac: Leo

      Height: 5'8.5" (approximately)

      Eyes: kaleidoscopic

      Hair: Tonks colored and styled

      Spiritual Path/Religion: Mocking atheism, though she seemed to believe in an afterlife.

      Quotes: "Why can't the tinking pinky be the thinking pinky too?"
      "I blowed up."
      "Did you know that burnt skin smells like McDonald's French fries? Hey, let's go get some McDonalds!"
      "Glade hallucinations never lie to you!"
      "I like watching stuff more than doing stuff."
      "Goddamn you, there is NOT steak in that cow! Oh, wait..."
      "It is reputed that there is a chocolate Glade, the Holy Grail. Someday I will find it. I think they have it in Virginia."
      "Of course Australia isn't real. Have you ever been there? Of course not. It's not real. Wallabies indeed."
      "And skunks think: 'doot doot doot, I'm a skunk. Doot doot doot, I'm a skunk.' Angry skunks think: 'dootdootdoot! I'm a skunk! Dootdootdoot! I'm a skunk!'"
      "Man, I'd be so much cooler if I were black."
      "Election day is like Christmas Eve, if Christmas might also be Armageddon."

      Divine Dominion Over: Explosions, drugs, rehab, NOFX, The Simpsons

      Best advice: "Whatever I do, don't."

      Future Profession: No longer applicable

      Current Profession:No longer applicable.

      Best Quality: Adolescent memories.

      Weakness(es): She claimed to know that fire would one day kill her. It didn't, though she was cremated against her wishes, so we can split the difference.

      Superpower: No longer applicable.

      Similar to: Homer Simpson, Bill the Cat


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