Author and Columnist
He Who Is Called "I Will Be" (2002.12.16)
Oh the Humanity (2002.12.04)
A Time of Innocence (2002.11.21)
Mandolin (2002.11.18)
Ringing the Chamber of Secrets (2002.11.16)
Long In the Tooth (2002.11.07)
Gazing Into the Dark and Seeing Rainbows (2002.11.01)
Complexity (2002.10.26)
The Child-Like Empress (2002.10.22)
Merry-Go-Round Broke Down (2002.10.17)
Seriphina (2002.10.16)
Already Met You (2002.09.30)
Lectroids (2002.09.28)
Woodstock Footage (2002.09.22)
Normal Again (2002.09.13)
Gathering Rosebuds (2002.09.06)
War-Mongering (2002.09.03)
Nothing Can Kill the Grimace (2002.09.02)
It's A Very Heavy Feather (2002.08.28)
Entomophilic Kitten (2002.08.17)
Six and One Half Degrees (2002.08.14)
The Gospel of Matthew 2002.08.12)
How Stella Got Her Zen Back (2002.08.08)
Pandora's Litterbox (2002.07.30)
Scrat (2002.07.29)
Something New (2002.07.23)
Goodbye to the Monkeyhouse (2002.07.12)
Humberta and the Angry Inch
Tempting Fate and Fireworks (2002.07.05)
Stankapotomus Ferdinand Bermeda Gonzolaz (2002.07.03)
Beginning's End (2002.06.30)
Explicit Lyrics (2002.06.27)
[Nameless Beverage]heads (2002.06.19)
There Are Only Two Things I Fear (2002.06.14)
Mortar and Pestle (2002.06.10)
Hell's Bells (2002.06.04)
Soft and Only (2002.05.26)
Weird Day (2002.05.24)
Party or Party Not, There Is No Try (2002.05.22)
But Not a Real Black Robe, That's Cruel (2002.05.20)
Play-Dough's Cave (2002.05.08)
Slutty Ass Mousecateer (2002.05.03)
Lycaste (2002.05.02)
If You Get Close to a Human (2002.04.23)
Illustrious (2002.04.12)
The Swiss Army Romance (2002.04.08)
Take Off Your Party Dress (2002.04.04)
Les Liaisons Dangereuses (2002.04.02)
Morbid or Absurd (2002.03.29)
Modern Theology (2002.03.22)
The Last Lines I Write For Her (2002.03.20)
Padding (2002.03.18)
In Certain Company (2002.03.15)
She Never Mentions The Word "Addiction" (2002.03.13)
Singing in the Rain (2002.03.12)
Addendum (2002.03.07)
Even When the Sun Is Shining (2002.03.05)
Past Participle (2002.03.01)
Queen of the Dumb (2002.02.24)
Ideolocator (2002.02.23)
Losing Omen (2002.02.18)
Reaping and Sowing (2002.02.15)
Sorry To Be Lost (2002.02.12)
Magickal Dog Bandanas (2002.02.10)
What Kind of a Musical Is This Anyway? (2002.02.05)
Intentional Misuse (2002.01.26)
Pedagogical Pets (2002.01.25)
Fray (2002.01.22)
Bloodsuckers from Beyond (2002.01.16)
Hardcore (2002.01.14)
Waking Life (2002.01.11)
Undulating Fecund Obelisks (2002.01.09)
I Wanna Rock & Roll All Night! (2002.01.01)
Twenty-two years and two days ago, a creature of unimaginable evil was loosed upon the world. Havoc and discord did this creature wreck. Part of the artistic revolution of his generation did the creature wish to be. Cake did this creature have. Like Yoda did this creature speak. Bored was this creature with nighttime mouse ear television. Dear friends did this creature describe. Helped with this entry was this creature by M.
A teacher encourages me to write professionally, which actually affects me more than I admit. This is good, because my Puppy's grandfather is trying to help me to this goal. Three young men are falsely imprisoned as far as I can tell. Tina and I watch as the Hindenburg crashed yet again and she tells me she is leaving.
I smell Jen, because this is how I conjure up back-story. Emily, Zack, the MeLiza, and I eat and ponder the purpose of drinking pee and not eating. Emily is a randy kitten. M and I have a very quick fight. I might marry her one day, you know. As long as her poltergeist doesn't kill me. I wonder after the state of Eileen and offer Lauren a hot beverage in mourning.
Emily's apartment is violated by near strangers, which necessitates a bit of back-story involving Mandolin, Kate, and me. Also, education majors are being seduces by the dark side by a New Age pied piper.
One excellent movie and one terrible movie are experienced, with hilarious results. All right, perhaps not. Emily worries she will lose me to Kate, until I point out the theory of evolution. Sarah, unfortunately, ticks by another year without my assistance. I prove, without a doubt, that the Chinese do not have a monopoly on bad buffet food.
I detail how losing wisdom reinforces my wish not to get wasted. I find another crystal. Zack is waited on by mythic beings who do not check ID.
OtherZack is missing. I capture a Nazi, Emily and I indulge our inner moppets, avoid getting arrested, petition the company of the dead, see what most don't, hang out with Melissa, visit a haunted mountain, not get eaten by a demon snake, and force Emily to pronounce herself a teapot for her freedom. Best of all, we still get in eight hours of sleep.
Emily tries to heal herself through the power of love, though it takes some purging physically and emotionally to achieve her goal. We rewrite The Mouse to accommodate a talking, pro-life fetus. I find my Zen and dance like a plastic bag on one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air.
There is no real plot of which to speak in this entry, though some plot points are introduced. This is a review of the status of M in the story. There is also a digression into the concept of girlfriends as family, using the normal test subjects. However, I was decidedly sleepy and pained in writing this, so it is only a seedling to be developed soon.
In this turning world some characters, though not necessarily the best ones, make appearances. Others disappear from sight. One promises to return with the brass ring. Emily gets one year older. Sarah gets three years wiser. Bryan gets 98 pounds lighter. Gifts are exchanged and pasts are rehashed.
I recap my relationship with Sarah up to this point, for those of you that had fallen behind. Also, for those of you in the back of the class, that means I am foreshadowing her reintroduction to the story. I enlighten paying strangers on the evils of the tuna industry. A mothman brownie gives me the twenty-four hour flu. A bunny is impulse bought.
Links to my past, albeit ostensibly random ones, reenter my life. I submit my servitude to The Haunted Mansion for another season, though only encounter an asthmatic thunder lizard for my troubles. A character may be pregnant or perhaps just bored. Don't worry, it's not me. I am given a gun and dominion over dinosaurs, as described in the prophecies.
I feel put upon by the library and its placing me in danger. Zack, Leah, M and I gorge ourselves on appetizers, practice telepathy, and watch a good bad movie.
Emily, Leah, Dave and I have a rather low key adventure in Woodstock, mainly concerned with feeding M. Oh, the thrills. The excitement. How will you contain yourself? The duck-geese turn over-friendly. Lauren possibly vanishes.
I try to remember if I have forgotten anything or merely become the average. Emily's limited diet becomes further limited, at least for the moment. September eleventh comes again and the world finally seems right and like a place I want to live. Zack gets stark raving naked in order to be seen as honest.
I could tell you all the elements that went into this but I'll skip all that and come right to the point, the groin of the story. Boy sees girl. Boy is attracted to girl. Boy contrives to meet girl. Boy does, in fact, meet girl. Boy and girl discuss dead mice and not wanting to be ants. Boy walks girl halfway home, because he is a talkative gentleman. This is where the story pauses.
Emily and I see Conor. We also cry over the fact that we are a nation led by a corrupt and bloody thirsty C- student who may kill us or allow others to do it to push forward a goal his daddy couldn't finish.
A new character is introduced, which is always fun. Vacation ends and school begins, roughly in that order. Emily and I create a crooked nosed child. We try to prevent Bryan and Jesse from creating a real one. We plan out porn careers. I see Stevehen, which is always fun. Especially as the county is run by the Grinch.
Emily and I try to prevent statutory sodomy charges against my brother by yelling at him. Anubis is called upon for his assistance. Yes, that Anubis.
I spend time on the waterfront with Matt, discussing insects and food as metaphors. Then a kitten, that M and I actually did see, eats the bugs and ignores the food. Which is good, given the fact that the food M's flatmates leave around attracts bugs.
Emily and I jump on a trampoline and listen to Dezi and Zack sing which necessitates getting the huggable cops' assistance. Then we wander about a conglomeration of Tolkien and leatherplay world in order to get wet and find Jacki. Wayne is the fool of all of this, of course. In the middle, several old associates, none of whom I share particularly fond stories, show up.
Matt and I spend some time alone and end up in a cemetery forest. I weep for the unborn dead and wonder after the Sky. No one argues, but we talk and mentally hunt pheasants. I want to be believed.
Rollerblading, a little blood, and a few billion visible stars help launch me into a greater comprehension. A nugget of my past gets shared. I try to earn my name again. Emily gets us employed. Again.
Emily reawakens her poltergeist with a simple literary criticism. It rains cats who ignore dogs. Emily gets an enema from ten stories up. I become a projectile. Emily's forehead and my calves pay the price, however.
We have a small checkpoint so the audience can see where all the main characters are on-stage (or in the wings). Angela manages to not ruin tens of thousands of dollar film equipment and tried to counsel Mike. Angela, Liz, Mike, Matt, Melissa and I all hang out, but not at the same time or place.
We discover a new species of white trash, intimidate peacocks, and befriend a waitress named Noelle. Two people get joined in holy matrimony. Can you guess whom?
Dexy is a dense human being who will either get arrested for statutory rape or become the victim of a sex crime if she does not get a dose of common sense. She certainly will not be rehired. Zerk tries to parody the staff, though it comes off badly. Zerk and Daven seem to hit it off. And, best off all, they all go home!
Girls try to have a sleepover in the haunted area and end up sleeping with the brain dead. I make-out with masonry. Gem has an undiagnosable illness, in her body, heart, or head we aren't sure. Dexy has inappropriate relations, possibly. I wonder if the kids are actually dumber.
Eileen says Dexy is a woman of loose ethics and Dexy returns the compliment, but in a very fond fashion. I try to tell the future. It is all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it is more fun, because you can play with their dangling eye. Emily visits and I finally see Sarah, though she seems forlorn. M develops a hatred for carnies and a love of flying.
I bond more with the children and try to figure out what makes the anally punctual Zerk tick. No pun intended. Emily misses me like crazy cakes. She also weighs her pride and self-esteem against her desire for self-sufficiency and sees if she can strike a balance.
The first of what I hope to be many entries about Summer Scholars 2002. I instantly adjust to this wholly different environment in an old mansion, full of a drunken, college film crew, many hormonal teenagers, and a ghost. Wait... this environment seems oddly familiar. But from where?
I rather spaz over the concept of being away for two week and say goodbye to Miss Kate for twelve times that amount. I tempt fate and taunt glorified lawn gnomes. Squirrels are fed. Have I mentioned how frightened this adventure has made me?
I explain a few pieces of laundry and teach of the goodness of [a beverage]. Dave, Emily, and I explain New Paltz, portals to hell, and strange fetishes.
Conor, Evan, Zack, Emily and I tangle with a nomadic tribe that seeks to establish dominion over the top-secret, dimensional, government, alien base that is patrolled by genetically engineered lemurs and is a mirror image of the Cydonia region of Mars. Or as some call it "Pine Bush."
The forces of darkness are not unleashed upon the earth to give my life a destine purpose. At least not today. Emily is charming making pizza or on a trampoline and I am not the only one to think so. Kate wants to spend time with me, but I need to be safe.
I get offered the chance to give back to the community from which I have taken so, so much. Emily and I get to go to a wedding and are not served syrupy PB&J. My family urges me to take risqué photographs. A puppy swims about.
Kate and I have honest, real conversations. Melissa acquires OtherZack. I get a DVD player out of the deal.
There were lemur bunnies, teenage commandoes, and hot air balloons. None of which could possible have made sense.
We party like there is going to be a tomorrow and we wish to be civil about this fact. We see the new Star wars movie. There is goodness, though not to the movie.
I play catch-up on all of the subplots and mildly humorous events that I was putting off writing about because I wasn't in the mood. Jenks behaves in a grotesquely unprofessional and petty way, but we expected nothing less from him. We bid a fond farewell to Dances with Bunnies, as though we aren't going to run into her in a field in Pine Bush in a few months. Emily graduates.
Melissa leads us to discover that there are actually underground tunnels in Pine Bush, setting us all up to being killed off, one by one, brutally, by a primordial evil. Good times. I run now so I will not have to run for my life. I pose a mystery for the readers. Things are very confusing, but we know one thing for certain. Emily is not a poltergeist.
Todd occupies my thoughts again and I try to make sense of his death almost a year after it happened. You cannot really make sense of these sorts of tragedies. Emily sits on the hinges of gates, wondering which realm is the one to which she will be given. She hopes it is the one with gratuitous paychecks. Emily and I lose our mobility but gain to chance to see one of our idols.
I relive romance through a Stephen Dobyns poem. I attend my first art opening and Emily is a nearly indecent demonic butterfly.
Emily is given exactly what she wants for a few precious days. But she is still the third best in New York. First best to me. Just to make my life that much weirder, we discover that Dances with Bunnies is a Pine Bush cultist. Bible Boy is a sexual harasser. I try to convince you that psychic things are happening. Death does her job. I return what Kate most desires of me.
Bored with my job. Complex about Kate. Having wacky misadventures with Zack, Conor, and M. Mooning over fascinating strangers. Having serendipitous meetings with old associates. The more things change, the more they remain constant.
Emily and I are led to giggle uncontrollably at Angela and the sweet, sweet frosting. Melissa is led around by her pinnacle of human coolness. I get harassed by spineless punks who sent an old man to try to intimidate me. Emily peers into my mind.
Alison reappears, in that she actually engages in a discussion with me. Emily hurts her ankle rollerblading and I have visions of rollerball deathmatch. Easter eggs are dyed and crafts are made into icons.
Emily and I touch the divine, but forget to write it down in time. Zack acquires a very pleasing love interest who was already introduced in the journal, but he also introduces the fact that he is moving. Dances with Bunnies (wait for it) annoys me. Emily and I find a foundation for our relationship by tearing apart untruths. It is all thanks to my interest in seeing Uma Thurman naked.
I try to explain how I am very depressed - only not - arriving at perfectly reasonable conclusions. That is, if I actually implement them. I am summoned to save a fair maiden; only she has to go food shopping with the monster. I attend a Passover dinner and act like I am stricken with nine out of ten plagues. I compare my friends to angels. Emily and I might help smart kids over the summer. Sarah writes and is exalted. Kate writes and... isn't.
I try to help save a little bit of the world. I stick by what I said. M and I visit Woodstock and return home, stuffed with chicken, empty of philosophy, with a new pendant, handbag, and friend. Emily witnesses just how strange Dances with Bunnies is.
I fulfill my wish and divorce myself from draining aspects of my life. We will make better strangers. I feel my friends are being tested, though not by me. Others dislike Jenks, to my relief. Nextel tries to prop the dead up to make a buck. We are compassionate.
I correct any mistaken impressions about Melissa. M and I hit people with foam swords. We undergo a spontaneous act of worship at Bard. I kiss a statue.
I have a nice day with Emily, once I dry her tears, and Dawn, until I physically show her I am grateful. I learn the name of Scarf Girl. I see Sarah, though I am not entirely sure I am seen. I become a wee bit maudlin afterward.
I obsess over writing and my inability to do enough of it in the given time. I ponder just why you bother reading these entries. Yeah, you. The one at the keyboard. I quote parts of a letter from Sarah who gives me superb advice and perspective.
Eileen upsets my fragile worldview, but we can't fault her for that. Conor, M, and I have an amazing night. I end up spending the night with M. We see terrible movies.
Emily, Conor, and I share a wonderful night that involved very good conversation, swing sets, pancakes, and hopscotch. M returns my claddaugh ring. I tell you of the goodness of Dave's party.
Emily and I aren't dating, only friends.
I change my major to something that lets me sleep through the night. Dances With Bunnies annoys me with her idiotic opinions and proselytizing. Esquimaux bothers us and thinks she is with Zack. Tina listens to Kate's selective vision retelling of the journal. Jenks is a sweaty, creepy Pee Wee Herman. I mock a girl with a speech impediment, because I am a bad person. And she is annoying. I become shy when asked about jewelry. I read a great book.
Emily, Melissa and I see a horrendous movie that makes us hate Australia. I consider how I feel about having friends who have children. I give a good example of what can happen when a teacher lets herself be biased and detail some of my problems with the New Age movement. You learn more of what I witness every time I work.
I explain Sarah's loss of virginity from months ago. I change my major so I can actually sleep at night. I explain my current lack of dislike of Kate. I enjoy M all the more. Bible Boy is psychoanalyzed and Beauty School Drop-Out is rushed to the emergency room. Good times, good times.
I drop a class I love and find a statement I like. Emily has a cat, only she doesn't. I question the nature of paranormal phenomenon. We make Shrinky Dinks.
Emily and I have an actually nice Valentine's Day! I know, we were shocked too. We finally see Waking Life. I let you in on my likely psychotic game to make a new friend.
Kate kisses me with empty lips and shatters my soul. Emily, in a surprise turn around, doesn't leave me. But I may be leaving Kate out of my life for a while.
Emily and I have an amazing time with Conor and Flynn. Emily gets her cards read, which spells foreshadowing. We see The Mothman Prophesies.
Emily and I almost break-up, but instead become better friends. We go see Urinetown, though Emily is less than mobile.
Response 2024.07.09
Melissa treats me like I am disturbed. She tells me about illusions in her past and harsh realities she helps keep out of others' futures. We go to Pine Bush.
Response 2024.07.09
So, I don't hate all of my classes. I actually like most of them. Who would have imagined that?
Response 2024.07.09
Emily and I have serious issues with the addition of BSDO to our cast. I think she must be a soulless demon. The television leads me to believe so. I correct a few misconceptions and clear up a few issues. I really don't want to return to college. Kei and Eileen return as active characters, though Sarah is still phoning in her performance. Emily presumes getting bit by an amber angel equals the addition of stalking vampires to her apartment. Maybe they'll frighten BSDO away.
Response 2024.06.24
Melissa, Emily, and I return to Pine Bush but are chased away by a couple of grays with a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine. Bastards! We plan out the New Orleans trip I forgot to tell you about. Melissa convinces us that she should run for a seat on the school board owing to her unique stance on educational reform. Oh, and mysterious lights are seen in Emily's house by a visitor. Not that kind of "visitor"! Emily prefers to think it is vampires. Who can blame her? My mother tries to burn my candle from ends it doesn't have.
Response 2024.06.24
M wins tickets to a bad concert. I see a terrible movie. I get good gifts. I freak out until Melissa sets me straight.
Response 2024.06.24
I have late night fun with Kate. I go to the city with M and see Ground Zero for the first time. I buy books that make me look crazy. But the electric monkey that lives in my pocket assures me that the Quarnians have no idea of my actual plans... I mean, I'm not crazy.
Response 2024.04.11
Emily and I get snowbound at my house. In my room. And naughty video games are played. The cops stop us when we try to get a snack. And I see trailers in a theater after hours. We tease Emily about going home again. Also, we see a bizarre, floating, lit triangle in Pine Bush. But, really, who cares about that?
Response 2024.04.11
I recount how New Year's Eves have sucked in the past and discover the true meaning of Kwanzaa. Also featuring: Some Spanish when I forget how to spell. The infamous tickle orgy. Nick. Coley. Jen. Zack. Emily. Evan. Melissa. Veronica, in a tertiary way. Stevie. The threat of arrest. Katie and Kate. Threatening the gods. Conor. Flynn. Margaret.
Response 2024.04.11