She's lovely

There must theoretically be an upper limit on how much we could see Kristina, but I doubt it is one we will ever meet.

As it was with Holly and Sarah M last weekend, it is unclear when we last saw Kristina. She came bearing Christmas presents in gift bags, warning that the hot sauce sampler in mine might no longer be good. (It is peppers in vinegar; it's okay.)

We go for a hike at Ferncliff Forest. Kristina tends to like being in the woods. This is not a challenging jaunt through the trees. This seems most prudent as Amber has business in Rhinebeck within a few hours of meeting up with Kristina. My wife can leave Kristina and me there, tend to her business, then retrieve us.

On the way to the fire tower, Amber and Kristina talk. I walk a little faster, so I tend to be fifteen steps ahead, then I dart back to catch up on their conversation in my absence. Kristina says that I would make for an excellent scout.

After Amber leaves, Kristina and I head back to the woods on another trail, and I bring the conversation to relationships -- I enjoy it on principle, as it grants me voyeurism and is the sort of thing one doesn't readily discuss in mixed company.

Since the inadequate man assumed he was her boyfriend, she has no stated romantic luck.

When I bring up Holly and Sarah, equally unlucky, she is aghast. "They are lovely women!"

I cannot disagree.

She details some of the follies and foibles of her ex-boyfriend, worse than I knew, but Kristina is not the sort to complain as much as is deserved. It seems to be an ingrained aspect of her personality, though I welcome her complaints. I am here to play the encouraging girlfriend and discuss how the world wronged her.

She does not feel damaged by her former relationship, though its longevity alone might do that. She is just disappointed that she has ended up here.

I assume there must be men out there who would be suitable, though I don't know where they would be. My mother still brings up that she wishes Kristina and Daniel had ended up together, which I, while laughing, tell Kristina again. Not so much because the idea is ridiculous. I love them both so much, and they liked one another well, so I assume there is some transitive property here. It was not the right time in either of their lives if there was a time that would be right for them.

She is lovely, at least as much as Holly and Sarah. She is dedicated, even though life has not given her enough to which she can be dedicated. She is sweet and funny. She's attractive. For reasons my graphomania cannot fathom, she is a whiz at accountancy matters and finds pleasure in numbers.

I assure her that I have hope for her still. I met the love of my life around her age but note what we both know well: That was eleven years ago, and I wooed a woman in her early twenties. I doubt the man of her dreams was only a boy five years previously. (And, in full defense and with awareness of how imperfect I was at that age, a twenty-two-year-old Amber and your average twenty-two-year-old man are galaxies apart. Men are boys long after they have any reason to be.)

Amber and Kristina are best friends. I leave them to that, for the most part. It is no competition, but Amber won a decade before I first set eyes on either of them. I am primarily an appendage to their relationship, even after a decade of knowing Kristina. Walking in the wood with her now, I feel as though we can connect in a way that would be difficult with Amber around.

I wish I could be the reason Kristina finds her nurturing love. If Amber and I could manage it, we would take care of Kristina, move her into some guest house on our minor estate, and give her enough freedom to get the right degree to be an accountant, actuary, or some other arithmetic vocation. Not a lack of skill arrests her success in life, but a lack of privilege or opportunity. She told us how she was seasonally laid off from some business, and the Unemployment Department made her lose a day going to their office to have her resume scrutinized and, though she had a guarantee that her job would continue at a date, had her apply to six jobs a week. One of the jobs was a much better fit for her, even though she didn't have the proper credential. They called her and said that they couldn't hire someone who had an account in collections -- what a way to keep the poor in their place -- but that they might consider it because it was medical debt. Ours is far from a flawless country that this can be the case. They called soon to tell her they were moving forward with someone else. I cannot know all the factors that went into this, but I sense that this is a chance that could have drastically changed Kristina's fate that will likely be given to someone for whom it is just a job. This strawman will slog to it resentfully every day, quitting after a year, and Kristina will continue working stocking shelves for Instacart simply because she was born in the wrong situation and is perhaps too loyal.

A man would not cure her of this. That was one reason Daniel said he could not pursue her years ago, despite his feelings for her. He already wanted to save her from all life had done to her and knew that urge would only redouble. He couldn't save her. He only barely managed month to month to save himself. However, it is impossible to suggest that a good partner wouldn't help her realize her potential and ease her life.

I say, "I wish there were a boyfriend surrogate, like a sex surrogate-someone who could help people work through the trauma that other relationships gave them. Maybe good, loving, sharing sex would be a part of that. You would have this relationship with them -- maybe a month -- and then you would break up with them healthily. I had a couple of girlfriends who said they wished they could clone me and lend me to their friends. I don't know about that."

It is not precisely my place to concern myself with my friends' love lives -- aside from that, I consider dating a good sport and like to live vicariously through their happiness. However, I understand that the time to gather these rosebuds is nigh. None of us are getting any younger. The opportunities for meeting the man of their dreams lessens until it is only jaded guys grunting out their hatred of their bitch ex-wives while ignoring their children.

I tell Kristina a bit about my two significant exes, though my detailing of Melanie borders on a hagiography. Melanie was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Despite some rockiness at our end as she figured out who she was and wanted to be -- I am not downplaying how traumatic I found those months because I lacked healthier coping skills -- it was a relationship that taught me how to love without reservation for the first time in my life. I still love Melanie and message her several times a week, though mostly sharing jokes and complaining about the state of the world. (We have had a few platonic profusions of adoration, but it isn't necessary every week.) "Basically," I say, "I would like to edit and revise my dating history, but it has to end up with Melanie and then Amber. If I didn't learn to love Melanie, I would never have been ready to love Amber. I would have been a much less complete person."

Kristina contrasts with me because she has no taste for retroactive casual dating. She needs to know someone well before considering anything more with them. She doesn't want to date around now. She wants to love someone and be loved in return, and it cannot be with just anyone. I want to think she more than put in her dues in her previous relationship, but that isn't how love works. You don't get the right love only because you suffered under the wrong one for so long.

I am older than I would care to be, older than I remember myself being. I don't need to project onto my single friends that I want them to find love sooner rather than later because the dating pool isn't going to get any more robust. I have no direct solution to this. In my circle, I can think of few single men - I have always gravitated toward women for friendship- and none of these three have expressed interest in them. I cannot push people together and likely would not excel at it if I could.

(Many years ago, I went to the Dutchess County Fair with Daniel and Rosie. Daniel said afterward that he appreciated my attempt to hook him up but wasn't interested. I had not considered in the least fixing them up and told him as such. The few times I thought someone would be a match for him, they mutually agreed that I was profoundly wrong.)

Kristina ranks among the few people whom I genuinely love right now. I wish she were my sister or, at the farthest, a cousin. I want to dance at her wedding and tell her what a beautiful bride she makes. I can picture it all, aside from the groom.

Amber calls to return us to the parking lot. I buy them Chinese food -- Kristina orders too little out of politeness, then tries to give us what she did let me order -- and Amber continues Kristina's education on Hannibal. It is warming to have her in our home, feed her something, and be cozy together for a little while.

last watched: Umbrella Academy
reading: My Best Friend's Exorcism