Author and Columnist
I do want to be alone, as far as romantic relationships go. It is not a negative statement. I simply am happier experiencing the world alone right now. Perhaps unaccompanied says it better.
I don't know that I believe you. I recall few times in your (our, I suppose, since it happens months closer to my time than yours) life when I can guarantee this was a true statement. You thought of yourself as a born boyfriend, but you only infrequently seemed to apply this kindness or love to yourself. You needed more time to be non-pejoratively selfish. No one is owed you.
Girls are pretty and smell nice. You adore kissing them. But they will still be there when you are ready, when it will be healthy.
Bereft of even a dyadic friendship, I was forced to be single. Yes, I do have those souls that I love immensely (Sarah, Conor, Kate, Eileen, etc.) but we are not truly dyadic.
You are reliant on people outside a romantic context. Gradually, you replace other people with your writing since you want to communicate and be known. Did any of the people above wish to know you this well? No. In snatches, maybe. For a few days, a week. They had their dyads (Sarah had her crew in Red Hook, Conor had Flynn, Kate had JB and Virginia, I have no idea who Eileen had but assume she must have).
You have several through the years, though not soon. A few were not permanent dyads, but you loved them as much as you possibly could. A couple were romantic, one perhaps better when sex was no longer part of the relationship.
I fell in love with the world rather than a person.
Did you, though? Did you fall in love with the world? You like the world, but you aren't committed to it. Reality is too much of a fickle lover for you when fantasy is also a keyboard away.
What really catalyzed this reaction, made the Royal Honey necessary for the Thought Bee Queen, was last night with Kate. Before you get ahead of yourself, please refrain from any of your naughty thoughts. Love her, I do. Bed her, I won't.
Ugh. I get loving Kate. I simply wish that you would give her a wider berth. I don't trust you two in person.
I was lying on her bed. She too was in a reclined position. And I hugged her back and shoulders because I needed solace from my immensely long day (which will be covered in a journal entry soon. Perhaps tomorrow).
No. Do not touch Kate. Talk to her from across the room. You just had an unsuccessful date with CG and ended your essentially chaste affair with Eileen. I know your wiliness. You think every touch between Kate and you is a prelude to seduction. You are right often enough that even a handshake between you might end without clothes.
It derived an immensely safe and warm sensation from me, which I voiced. Though I know she tries to sometimes push these feelings away so she can be "freer," I think she felt at least a modicum of what I did, as she looked at me softly and sweetly. Her soul shined through before she could remember that it still could. Remarkable girl, that Kate.
Why are you like this? Why do you keep throwing yourself into the clutches of a young woman who wouldn't want you an hour past when you gave her an orgasm?
You also have no idea what Kate is thinking and feeling. All you have is her behavior which, as you describe it, seems fond. You are her friend, too close of one. Kate can look at you with fondness because she knows that she doesn't have to make it romantic or sexual, and she would be far more likely to try the latter than the former.
Honestly, I can name the number of people I would be willing to let hold me on one hand. To kiss me? Actually, the same number, though depending on the kissing.
That is more your trust issues than their inclinations.
You were quite the liberal kisser only a few years before. You have grown so precious and prudish.
More? Have we all been thoroughly acquainted with my psychological programming? Not going to happen, Chester!
"Programming" is accurate. You etched these edicts into your mind, though I don't know how or why. Do you think fooling around with others would cheapen your last couple of bedmates? Did striking yourself out at third before Jen mean that others should value you differently? Obviously not.
The past several days have been immensely difficult in that respect, though not directed at any particular person (else you would know about it). To be released from the burden of my own hormones was more liberating than I had imagine.
Oh, buddy, I am positive you are comprised mainly of hormones beneath a thin rime of skin, eager to pop with the slightest brush of feminine hands.
Clearly, there is quite a bit more to relationships for me than simple physical comfort and touch. What an empty and useless person I would be then!
You would just be a person, not empty or useless because you want to be touched. These are natural urges.
I doubt very much that you should like to read the exploits and thoughts of such a person. If you should like to, you have come to the wrong place, I am not for you.
Yeah, that sure would make for dull prose, reading the experiences of a young man enjoying sex in temporary affairs and exploring himself. Who would read such a narrative?
I assume you are aware of the entirety of the literary canon?
Emotionally, I am simply not ready for romance. Not again, not the way I love. True, I did try to date not a week ago. That is where the Thought Bee eggs came from. The epiphany of dyads Africanized these eggs. I realized that there isn't the person or situation in the necessary dosage and capacity in my life to create the needed psychic hormones to make me want to give my heart to another.
You didn't try to date someone. You went on a date. You are not unfamiliar with the difference.
I am grateful that something positive came from your date with CG, but I wish that it had been the awareness that you could enjoy more casual dating. Instead, you are posturing and hoping someone contradicts you with her lips.
Not right now, though spring and its effects are scheduled this very month. I have Claritin, psychoemotional allergens, do your worst!
Did you hear the dramatic chords there? Do you understand how you are tempting the gods?
Intellectually, I have numerous people who serve roles that fulfill me. I do not need someone else to enjoy my life. It is a very good life.
Yes! Good. Understand that you do not need one young woman to fulfill you because you have so many who can act as travel partners, late-night confidantes, video game opponents, and diner companions.
I am not even looking for romance right now, perhaps for the first time in years. To be honest (prepare the hypocrite shields!), I am a trifle frightened of relationships and dating and do not seek to alter this.
You are lying. As far as I recall, you are always looking for romance. You might be nervous, but you would get over that for the first pair of fond eyes.
If you have actual romantic interest in me (and I know a few do), be my friend. Care for me, support me, hold me if you think I want to be held, but don't push.
So, if I understand your position, you maintain that "if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends?"
Teasing aside, that's good advice. You are in the prime age for making new friends. You don't want to fall for someone who does not have the safety of a previous friendly relationship. You would be awkward if set up on a blind date.
Do not loudly, publicly profess having fallen madly in love with me when you do not even know my middle name. Do not tell me I am the perfect male as you are setting yourself up for disappointment when I prove myself (and you, purposely) fallible.
I do not recall many people having done this. Sky, perhaps, though that is going back four years. That ended so disastrously that I remember a mutual enmity long past when you felt horrible about reacting against a traumatized girl who only wanted someone who would love her.
I am divinely interested in being flawed. Flawed diamonds have the loveliest rainbows trapped within.
I have not used my reserved gag for several responses, so this is a particularly throaty one.
Ugh!
Get over yourself.
Do not, especially, touch me when and where I do not want you. I will cringe and hate the touch and resent the toucher.
If you were not still allowing yourself to be a little hung up on Kate and keeping coal of hope smoldering that you would somehow end up back with her, I suspect that you would be rubbing up against women like a cat in heat.
Do not say I am perfect for you. How do you think it must feel to have someone you think is perfect for you tell you they do not want to be with you or anyone? Spare yourself the pain and spare me having to console you and tritely reassure you that it is not you, it is me. It is me, I made a whole page about it!
You need to work on being perfect for yourself rather than chastising imaginary women.
Zack and Veronica said Irish Bird was perfect for me. Do understand how my subconscious fought with the idea that the perfect person for me could actually fear me? Granted, she obviously isn't perfect for me.
Ah, there we are.
Irish Bird might have been good for you, might have enjoyed a date with you, had you not already blown it.
But you stayed away from her, even though it is apparent that you wanted to make contact.
I am perfect for me. And it has taken me far too long to fully realize that.
You are not perfect for yourself, but I have my fingers crossed that you are trying to be better. .