Author and Columnist
After much fumbling with country codes being changed, I got through to her. She heard my voice and instantly sounded so happy. She informed everyone in the room that it was me, as though they should know me.
I would like to know how those conversations went. How did Kate discuss you with these strangers outside your presence?
This is not to say that I would want you to know. You were too keen to find hope where it had no business being.
She told me that she missed me very much and only took the angel off to shower.
I don't understand this relationship that you have with Kate right here. I believe that you are telling your friends the truth about what she said -- this is not a venue where you would exaggerate -- but I do agree that she has a fondness for you. It doesn't work out between you, but this suggested something more than friendliness.
Oh, and she informed me that all the boys on the trip were gay, so I needn't worry. And that she was thinking about me a lot.
I suppose I cannot fault you entirely for the amount of false hope you harbor. There does seem to be this flirtation. If she were a new woman and these things were happening, it would read as the initial sparkling of a delightful relationship. With Kate? I do not know. It isn't that. It cannot be, but there is something.
When I asked why she had gotten me gifts already, she said, "There are so many things here that are perfect for you." Half jokingly, I said "Only one, hun." She retorted something like "Cutie. Cheesy cutie, but cutie nonetheless."
Gods, I hope she isn't perfect for you. What if this is precisely the right not-relationship for you right now? I have the cursed gift of hindsight. I know how this ends up. But, again, if this were any other woman who was not Kate, the two of you are charming right here.
But it is Kate, so this lightness casts a shadow.
(I know I probably shouldn't say such thing, but I was raised on a diet of pseudo-romantic movies and the lines shouldn't be wasted.)
Any use might be a waste. Lines reek of insincerity, though I know you are primarily jokey here.
Well, possibly the best friend, as she is closer (even after the break up) to me than anyone else she hangs out with.
I don't think, even when you resent her for not wanting to be with you and she is frustrated that you put this pressure on her, the two of you stop being friends.
You can't be satisfied, though. Maybe Kate can't be either. She is an experimental girl.
The question is, should I call her again or is that overwhelming? I am thinking... I should call her in a few days.
That is something like forbearance. I'm not sure that you keep to this. Calling London shouldn't be a nightly activity.
Nowadays, it is free to video call people worldwide, and we hate doing it. It's a funny world.
I wanted Katie and me to be together against the whole world for a long time. About a year into the relationship, I realized it was two people dealing with the world separately who just loved to be together.
I remember this, her upset that you wanted to be against the world and your confusion that she didn't consider the two of you a team. You had a hard time until halfway into your relationship with Kate in seeing your girlfriend as a separate being. You wanted them not to do the things that you didn't do. It's egocentrism and wanting to believe that the two of you were special.
It's not life, though. Partners do their own things but connect on the important parts. They want to be around one another, but they don't need to do it constantly.
It would have been a better revelation to have before you met Kate, but you may have needed her to show you that way.
I found a conversation where I exactly predict what will happen between Kate and me, even to saying when it will happen, several weeks before it did.
You do this in future relationships. It is not a matter of you being psychic but of being hypervigilant and a writer. You pick up on subtext on a level you won't let yourself acknowledge until you gently confront your partner with it, covertly telling them that you know what is going on and want reassurances that you are wrong.
You would not have phrased it that way.
Xen (12:24:35 AM): I just don't want to grow apart from you, that is the crux of the matter.
Kate (12:24:39 AM): Well that is entirely different
Kate (12:24:48 AM): Well then don't grow apart from me
Xen (12:25:04 AM): Same to you, buddy.
Kate (12:25:18 AM): Then we are settled
Xen (12:25:57 AM): Just because we say it, doesn't make it true. But it is good that we will try not to.
Kate (12:26:30 AM): That is all we really can do.
It truly is all you can do.
I don't think that Kate was considering here that she would leave you. At least, not specifically. She wanted to be with you until the concept of it seemed impossible, then a little longer after.
Kate (12:29:07 AM): We'll be okay hun. It is the sign of a good relationship to be able to pursue our own interests
Xen (12:29:31 AM): just so long as they aren't destructive interests.
Kate (12:30:10 AM): well destructive is something else entirely
What destructive interests are you worried about here? Weren't you okay with her occasional drug use by that point in your relationship? Was it drinking because you were fearful that it would lower her inhibitions around boys who would take advantage?
Why did you feel the need to toss this little nag at her after she did her best to reassure you?
I feel very old. Other friends are getting nice jobs as computer programmers, counselors at youth homes, managers of outlet store... I go to Dutchess and make my $6.50 an hour at their library.
Well, yes. I don't know that this feeling (called Imposter Syndrome, by the way) ever leaves. I mean, I personally don't have it because I get paid more for an article than you do for two weeks of work, and I am far too busy for it, but most people. (Yes, I have it too, but much less than I used to.)
You wouldn't want to be twenty with two kids, or a computer programmer, or managing an outlet store. You would prefer not to be clinging to Kate, but you enjoy most of your life at present. Don't rush it by saying that you feel old. I assure you: you are anything but that.
People are just trying to do their version of their best.
Instead, the clerk at the register said, "You are the one having girlfriend problems?" I looked at her and stated that I was and asked how she knew that. Evidently, last time I was in the mall (at least three weeks ago), she overhead me talking about it. She then stated that she had been watching me for a very long time and always wanted to talk to me but never knew how.
OH, MY DEAR GODS, YOU ABSOLUTE FOOL. Do you faintly grasp what a chance you passed up here? A girl who saw, remembered you, and tried to figure out how to talk with you? And let us see, how did you repay this attention...?
I'm not sure why I did, but I ended up pouring the entire Katie saga into this girl's ear. And she cared. I was perfectly aware that she was trying to pick me up, but I was shocked that she cared. And I kept talking. I even suggested that, since she lived in my town, I could drive her home.
My gods. I remember her, even after all this time. She had smooth, dark skin and a brilliant smile.
We drove to a diner on the way, where I kept telling her of the Katie saga and other little stories from my life. This lass seemed firmly intrigued.
In you. Not in the Kate drama. She wanted to know you. Your telling might have been entertaining, but she in no way wanted to know about your relationship situation, except that it meant that you were single.
This could have been a date. Do you understand how cool that would have been? Picking a woman up, one who lives in your town, going to a diner?
The only time she made me the least bit uncomfortable is when we were leaving the diner and she felt the need to say, "You're hot."
How much more overt did you need her to be?
Let's pick a thread here. Say that you didn't make out with Kate weeks ago, so you were not currently fawning over each other on international calls. You might have been thrilled to have met this woman rather than panicked because you didn't want to find her attractive.
I gave her the look a caged medical testing animal must give when it sees a person and squeaked out, "You're not so bad yourself?"
She was more than attractive, and I resent you for not treating her better. You made the wrong choice.
Had she not done this, I would have liked her a lot more. I don't dislike her, but she made her intentions very plain right then and I realized that, despite my going off on how much I am in love with Miss Katherine, she might presume that my taking her home would lead to less than gentlemanly actions.
As well as it should have! What were you thinking? You should have kissed this woman. You should have at least set up another encounter. Call it friendship if you needed. You should have known her better.
So I politely drove her home, she thanked me for an amazing evening (?), and got out of my car.
How, clever as you are, do you persist in being this clueless?
Whew! Crisis averted.
I wish that I could do physical violence to you until you got some sense.
I'm sure in the normal world, most guys would be thrilled that an attractive woman said they were hot and insinuated a different end to the evening. I wasn't. I was scared and awkward.
So, be scared and awkward and do it anyway. Get to know this woman. Get to know women after her.
Dating isn't something I wanted, even before I pledge myself to Katie.
Let us take an audit of who wants you to have "pledged" yourself to Kate:
Kate? No.
This woman? No.
Me? Absolutely not.
You? Apparently, but no one asked you to.
Date. This could have been the best few months of your college life.
Well, all that wasn't so bad, accept that Shelly (for that is the girl's name) hasn't answered my e-mail and I wish she would so I wouldn't feel that I just used her as a sounding board.
I don't think she ever replied, but at least I can say that you tried to repair this.
You should have felt bad before you dropped her off. You should not have dropped her off at all, at least not without some acknowledgment that you also had a lovely evening. And you did.
I wish concretely here that you had given up the idea of a romance with Kate.
I had nothing else planned for that night and knew that this girl had a boyfriend, so I agreed figuring she was not making any designs on me.
Why do you think everyone wants to date you? You aren't that cute.
Well, I quickly found out that she had no interest in me, but her friend (whom I do not believe I had ever met before) wanted to "get with me." I informed the high school acquaintance that I did not date.
You should date.
Two women (of whom I imagine Shelly was the better, in that I cannot recall much of this other meeting) expressed interest in you in as many days. I don't believe I have experienced that luck since.
You think the Universe speaks to you through synchronicities. What on earth do you imagine the Universe is telling you right here? Is it to be devoted to an ex-girlfriend who is an ocean away?
No talking to people, no looking back if I hear my name screamed.
There will come a time when your name is not screamed again, when no one randomly expresses romantic or sexual interest in you.
That time just happened the day after this. You wasted it.