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Katie (my dearest, darling, sweetheart Katie... yes, something is new and I partially credit your advice) bleached her hair and dyed it purple. It looks lovely.
Heather does not want to hear this. She did not advise you to do this. I do not know what she did say, but it was not for you to be such an idiot.
She and I are not fully together, but I believe and hope it is just a matter of time.
Kate likes kissing you. She enjoys being affectionate/sexual with people. She does not want to be in a relationship.
We've had this conversation before. You are going to see to it that we keep having to have it.
And it is not insubstantial speculation, but actual osculation.
Did we agree that I get to gag once in each of these responses? If so, I would like to -- having yet to read the rest of your hopeful pap -- place all my gagging chips, as it were, on this line.
For the first time since... well, since she broke up with me, kisses excited me. Moreover, they didn't annoy and disgust me, as had happen when other girls tried to kiss me.
You liked kissing Keilaina (the three times you did), and you know it. You were not remotely annoyed or disgusted. Befriending her -- even with the few lip locks you needed to get past -- was one of the best things you did in this period of your life.
Yes, that situation with Amanda was not emotionally kind to anyone. You didn't want her to kiss you, but that doesn't mean that kissing Kate in reaction was at all a wise move.
Kissing Kate will feel so much worse in the long run than being held down and forced to kiss Amanda.
I gave Kate some discarded Russian books from my library. She sat on her bed, reciting the Russian poetry to me slowly. So I put one arm around her.
Here is the thing: you were not giving her books. You were giving her the opportunity to do this -- which was well within the realm of possibility -- and give yourself the chance to touch her.
It could well have been scripted, this game of chicken you two were playing.
But it was not a friendly occasion and an idle gift -- and neither of you honestly thought otherwise. You had been building up to this possibility, arranging the props, occupying the space.
A few minutes later, I put my other arm around her and my head on her shoulder.
Still no complaints.
Yes, because -- again -- Kate is getting precisely what she wants from you without dealing with being in a committed relationship. She is giving you nothing that she doesn't want to offer, and she is not going to provide you with what you want. You are getting only the fleeting moment of hoping.
She was on my lap and asked why I was doing any of this. I told her, "I don't know what the right answer is, but I love you and wanted to. This feels very right." This was fine with her.
Hey, buddy, the honest answer is, "I am romantically addicted to you in a way that sands off my self-respect. I would give you almost anything I could for the chance to again be your boyfriend. And you know every word of that."
But you don't say that, and she doesn't hear it, so you can both play innocent about what happens after.
Over the course of the night, I kissed her a great deal more and she initiated kissing me on the lips and was holding me. It was wonderful.
I am genuinely grateful that you never took to drugs. You could not have handled the notion that something that feels amazing this night is toxic, and the withdrawal won't be worth it.
I have decided that, obviously, I want to renew a relationship with her. Or, to speak more clearly, I wish to create a new relationship with her. One where I have enough time and space to myself (so obviously she would too) but also to have HER. Not impossible, I hope.
Possibly not impossible, but it doesn't happen. And it shouldn't have happened, as charming as Kate is. Though you are more than prepared for this night to happen, you should have met at a cafe or not gone at all.
You should have moved on more fully. You should have had long conversations with Heather about her likes and interests. You should have met Heather in her bedroom with an armful of Russian poetry, particularly if it was genuinely only a friendly gift. I can't wish enough that you had explored your friendship with Heather.
And though it has not happened yet, you should not pester Nancy simply because she has a crush on you. You should never tell Eileen that you are falling for her. You should honor your place in line and on lists -- a statement that might be taken more literally than figuratively.
I know you come to other moments where you took the immediately more straightforward and worse path. We will get there and more often than I would like.