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Kate left me two months ago because she felt she was "a lone wolf." My reminding her that lone wolves aren't in two year long committed relationships and that I was fairly sure wolves mate for life didn't help.
Are you right about lone wolves? Yes. That was a flawed analysis done of members of unrelated packs who were thrown together. Of course, no one wants to be social at a party of strangers. Wild wolves cleave to their family, pack animals as much as humans are.
Do wolves mate for life? Also yes.
Are you and Kate wolves? No.
Are you right about Kate? No. And she isn't right about her either. She has her pack: Virginia and JB. She didn't mean she was lone. She meant for you to leave her alone.
I'm trying to take all of this well, but when she is just around me, she acts like my Kate again. When she is around anyone else and me, she acts distant and self-destructive.
Yes, which makes sense. Alone -- and I have told you not to be alone with Kate how many times? -- she only must keep up the pretense she has shaped with you. Kate plays to her audience, which is not conscious or malicious. It is a natural thing that people her age do.
Years later, you will date another college student who does this, a cuddling darling in your apartment who tries to score points against you when placed around unfamiliar people. You don't take it personally because you know better what is going on. You do, however, smirk while calling her out on it, which she cops to.
Neither Kate is the real one. And both are. That's the nature of it. She is large; she contains multitudes.
As my father put it, she evidently thinks she is a college freshman free for the first time.
Um. Yes. Exactly. What on earth do you think she is? It may be a year stunted owing to your relationship, but that is to a T what Kate is.
She is free for the first time of her parents and any romantic obligation. (And let's be honest here, she treated you like a supplemental parent from time to time, and you fell into the paternalistic role until you realized how much you hated playing that part in someone else's script.)
It doesn't help that people keep saying, "Well, she's going on a road trip and going to London over break. I'm sure when she gets back she'll want you again." I can't think those thoughts if I am going to continue.
I don't remember who said this, but I know how much that false hope must have hurt you.
She did call a lot from London -- more than she ought to have given the phone bill -- to tell you that she loved you. She bought you souvenirs, including an Aero Bar and a wooden box that it occurs to me that I still have on my bookshelf. I keep loose flash drives and silver and gold coins in there (not intentionally, it just ended up that way).
Maybe there were moments that she wants you back. I don't know for sure, only that the two of you never really get back together despite hooking up a few times. I wonder if part of the reason that you didn't get back together was that she had sown some wild oats while not dating you and did not want to deal with how you would react.
It would not have been well.
But I am trying to be strong about all of this and completely get over the idea that she'll want me back. I'm very much TRYING to be strong, but it waxes and wanes on a near hourly basis. Which certainly isn't healthy after two months.
I'm glad you recognize how unhealthy this relationship is. I could have been so much better if you had just let Kate leave you for good.
You should want all of yourself back from her. That would be stronger, but she always keeps this little bit of you tight in her fist.
There is just a profound lack of the sort of wonderful people that could make me ease my pain.
You. You are a wonderful person who can make you ease your pain. You are stuck with yourself, so you should get around to that love affair. Thinking that you need to jump into bed with someone new will only hurt you -- and hurt you for a while.
In my mind, she is near the only person I have been that compatible with in a long while.
Shall I give you the initials of women with whom you will be more compatible? I can give you seven without much thought. Kate's great, no question, but she was only that compatible with you for a little while. The rest was momentum as you outgrew one another.
They are out there, and they would want to get to know you, but you are fixated on Kate.
Once, a woman -- a stranger -- brings you home from the mall. I assume you had been flirting with her. Her house is full of her friends, who seem to think you are delightful and delicious. You could have had an excellent night, but you tell them that you still sort of have a thing going with your ex. You decide, with scanty reasoning (because you did go home with her), that she wasn't worthy of being your girlfriend, so you had better nip that in the bud.
I don't think you see that woman again. I couldn't tell you her name with a gun to my temple.
Let us say without evidence that, while you were turning down a promising offer (possibly with more than one of them), Kate was in someone else's bed. Think about it in those terms. You are torching possible memories worth having as though to signal her return. She isn't waiting for you.
I tried the dating thing, I realized how much I hated it and it brought me no joy.
Do you mean Amanda? You tried to date someone who you didn't much want to date. You kissed Keilaina three times after meeting her. And then what? Who else do you mean? There was Nikki, whose bed you sat upon, finding her beautiful but feeling she had been someone else too recently to be yours.
I do not think there is anyone. You hated it because you didn't want to like it. You didn't try it. You should date without seriousness because you have options.
So I am certainly happier alone than I would be dating people who I can't love because they are too screwed-up, too flighty, too stupid, too illiterate, too dispassionate, too trashy, too slutty, et al.
You judgmental jerk. Who the hell do you think you are to say these things?
You don't have to love someone on sight! That's not the point of dating! You get to know someone. You get to have experiences with them. You figure out better what you want. You get your heart broken in a way that doesn't have to last long. You get to taste new lips and swoon a little. You used to know how to do this.
Gods, you piss me off sometimes. Who the hell did you think you were hurting other than yourself? Who are all these women who you are discounting?
You are not made better by making people seem worthless who might be good for you.
You should be happy alone, but this is not why. Get your head out of your ass. You could have given yourself a much better life, and you didn't.
Also? You mean "etc.," not "et al." If you are going to be a snob, I get to pick on you about that.
But I honestly give people a chance before deciding that I feel nothing for them, it's not a comparison thing.
Do you? Because I can nearly guarantee you don't. I think you go, "Is this young woman smarter or prettier than Kate?" If you decide based on two minutes of knowing her that she isn't -- even if she damn well might have been, but you caught her at the right moment -- you decide you are righteous in rejecting her before she offered anything. The Kate in your head and the one in the flesh diverged a year before this; the Kate you know at present is not more intelligent or lovelier than the Kate you use to discount potential dates.
A friend is going to teach me Reiki sometime over break, which I feel will be a good step forward in my evolution. Plus then I can zap people.
Oh, that would be Chris. He is a pedophile who raped two of your friends. As I write this, he serves a long federal sentence for his various crimes and blames everything he did on Paganism. He is now a Born-Again Christian.
Just letting you know.
He doesn't ever teach you Reiki either.