-Richard Grzywinski 

Created on 7/19/01 from a letter written to Kate.
Response 2020.11.13
It was really nice to hear from Kate today. Definitely a welcome surprise after not hearing her voice for a few days, as she has been visiting her brother over break. And she sounded so utterly cute!!!!
Obviously, I have still not seen Tina yet. I swear that girl is trying to avoid me. Which, honestly, I wouldn't so much mind, except that she has Kate�s tape for me, which is terribly precious. Especially right now!
I really miss her very much. It is not an all-consuming lack of her. It is just the awareness that she is very, very far away. I love her very much. I was watching the movie "American Pie" and it actually made me miss her more, which is sad on numerous levels. Kind of hard to explain. There was just a lot of love in the movie. Along with Willow screaming, "Say my name, bitch!" Not a terribly great flick. It reminded me a bit of those eighties T&A movies. Which was basically every movie in the eighties. Not a good decade for American cinema. Or, when you think about it, America. Reaganomics and such. Except that Kate and I were born. Or simply brought forth into existence.
I went to the mall and returned my second copy of the Vonnegut book. The salesgirl seemed impressed by the fact that I unwrapped it in front of her. It proved that it was an unwanted gift quite nicely. So, fumbling, CT (that is what is written on my sales slip, and since I am going to be speaking about her, I feel she should have a name other than "the salesgirl") filled out the form and gave it to me. I walk around the store, looked for Terry Pratchett (author of the Discworld Series) book. Finding none, I went after Richard Bach books (I also noted that Stephen King's pen name is Richard Bachman and wondered if it was just a coincidence). I found only Illusions, in the occult section. I, as a librarian, thought that this was an interesting place to file him away. Well, finally, I accidentally stumbled upon The Acid House, by Irvine Welsh (author of Trainspotting). I felt this was a good enough book, so I went up to the register and handed CT my slip. She fumbled around more, and finally processed the sale. Unfortunately, she did it all wrong. She kept apologizing, I kept telling her that I didn't mind (I really didn't, it was an interesting situation to be a part of. Good literary fodder). Finally, she got the sale right, handed me back my book and a new sales slip. Apologizing once more, she explained that she was just getting over a cold and was getting her lunch break soon. I told her that that was very good, and some food and a bit of medicine from CVS would make her feel a lot better. Only after I was in some heavily perfumed collectibles store across the way did it occur to me that CT was asking me to go to lunch with her. And I had must have seemed like a bit of a jerk to blow her off like that. Not that I wouldn't have told her "no way." I simply would have told her in a nicer way, trying to make sure that she knew it wasn't a personal rejection, simply that I was divinely in love with an earthbound goddess. I know I would have felt rather low if I were in her shoes, given the way I behaved. But, I suppose it is just one of those daily things that ultimately go by unnoticed. I certainly hope so.
When I was in the collectibles I saw a bit of a trinket for Kate, so I picked it up. It's just a bauble, really, but I am sure she will like it. I know that she was feeling awkward in the gift department, though I informed she several times how little I truly care if she gets me a gift at all.
While I was at the mall, I also got a nice pair of black jeans. I felt I really needed a pair, and I had a gift certificate. Black is a good color on me.
I wish I had done more today. I wanted to, obviously. No one would hang out with me today. Well, no one I wanted to go through an ordeal to see. Plus, I was thinking, while I enjoy Zoey's company, I don't really know his intentions toward me. And I really do not feel like being lusted after. Only loved.
I am the first one to genuinely love Kate and, honestly, I think she is the first person who has genuinely loved me. I mean, I don't think Coley loved me. She worshipped me. But that is not love. Not the way love it supposed to be. She saw me as something I wasn't. Now, I don't know what she sees. Even though she is so far from the person who once seemed to be the Virgin Goddess to me. I did not worship her. I feel that should be stated because the sentence makes it seem like I did. I'm sure you understand and will ask further if you don't. I believe that I will send this now, as in it reaching gargantuan proportions (if the Gargantuans could write. They couldn't.)