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I feel like Kate doesn't really appreciate me; that she sees me as a problem to her mental health. How many of her psychological problems does she vicariously tie back to me? This is not what I want in a relationship.
Sometimes the toxicity in a relationship doesn't come exclusively from one party. You lay a good portion on Katie's dainty shoulders. You do not think of yourself as having a mental health issue. As Kate was in therapy and had typical teenage issues, you feel she does more so.
These are high school and early college issues. These are not as unique as you choose to believe.
You will struggle with feeling unappreciated in relationships through most of the time you are in them. It is not a constant, but it is occasional enough that it feels more pervasive.
She seems to not want to be with me, and she just can't get around to saying it. She wants to go off and "play." But after she plays, has she solved anything, or has she just put a Band-Aid on a flesh wound?
She did want to leave so that she could "play," by which you mean experiment with substances and other people, as is natural in college. It isn't a matter of solving anything, only having experiences. It is so that she can better live her life on her terms.
Not everything is meant to be a cure for all of one's ills. I do not know if she delighted in all her experiences, but she had them and is the person she is now because of them.
It isn't that she didn't love you. Of course, she did the best she could. It is in part why she clings after your breakup. She wants your love and attention, but she also wants to be in other people's beds.
I don't care that she is only 18. That's no excuse for her behavior, nor does it make any sense in this context.
There you go, sounding paternalistic again. You despair that you think she puts you more in the role of parent than boyfriend but look how you phrase things. You were not supporting her as a boyfriend but as a caretaker. She had enough of those in her life.
Two days ago I was "only 18." That is rather old.
I love you, Former Thomm, but this is nonsense. I do not think eighteen-year-olds are other than children on the upper end of the spectrum. I've taught enough of them. You desperately love one over a decade after this, whom you treat like a woman as she went through some of the same issues Kate did (though, to your credit, you handled them much better with the benefit of age).
An eighty year old, Chinese man could have the same problem as she is having now.
Could, but probably doesn't unless he is an aggressive case of arrested development. If he wanted to sleep around and smoke pot with his friends, few people would be trying to wag their fingers at him.
I am not that much older than her and I feel like I have this a lot more together than she does. Why is that? I grew up in an equally as fucked-up household; I went through very hard times. I've dealt and see the beauty.
Remember how I said that I was going to promise not to cringe? This is another instance where you are not making this easy on me. Kate has a whole different cohort of issues with growing up. Your families were not similar in severity. You do not have it more together because you are serially monogamous and don't drink or take drugs. As I've said, I wish that you had relaxed a little and enjoyed the company of young women whom you weren't intent to marry. You don't have to have so tight a grip on everything, in your life but certainly hers.
Also, respectfully, Kate went through harder times than you. It isn't even a contest.
It feels to me like she is changing lately, but not evolving. Shying more and more away from me. She is a very big (read as: intelligent, wise, strong, spiritual, willful, independent) girl; she should be okay with the idea that I love her, that I am attracted to her. She used to be. But then, she claimed she was fucked up.
Oh boy. You have a type. That's all I will say.
Given that you will continue to bang your head against this wall in other relationships, let's treat you like the evolved spiritual being you believe yourself to be: What lesson are you trying to teach yourself with these women? Why won't you let yourself learn it?
We are, or at least were, so far past love that the light from love took a million years to reach us. But I haven't felt that way lately.
She loved you. She knew that she could not stay with you. That's not an enviable position in which to be.
I think that she tried to break up with you twice before one stuck. It might have been better if you both had been ready to let the other go when this started, but it was a lesson you had to learn.
I should feel free to talk to her about anything on my mind, not have to worry that she is going to decide that I am hateful and she is scared of me. I am not hateful by my very nature. I can get angry, but I deal with that. And I can get offended, but I deal with that too. I admit these faults, and am working on them.
I don't know what you are talking about here, but I categorically hate it. What did you say to her that made her think you were hateful? Why were you angry? This is not the boy I remember.
Life is frankly far too short to anticipate the move of some chess game I am not playing and I will not do it.
You will, in fact, do this often. It will form one of the cornerstones of your anxiety. I am still working on it.
I do not think she is the way she is because I am her first and only boyfriend.
It is. She needed other experiences. You were romantically promiscuous and, in that way, were ready for something more serious with her. Like with another woman, she initially saw you as a fling that somehow went long.
She does not need empty relationships, and I should hope she does not want them as a life lesson.
She does. It is a good lesson for her and you. Not every kiss means commitment. Not every bed is meant to be a marital one.
Trite as it is, the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Until she knows that, truly, she can't get better.
She is fine. She doesn't have a problem. You do. What she has is a developmental crisis where she must decide if she is going to break free from a somewhat controlling boyfriend and have more sexual experiences or stay with him and hope the urge passes.
The former option will always be more appealing in college, as it should be.
That is an impediment to growth.
I also didn't remember that you seemed to think of yourself as some sort of Ascended Guru because you happened to have read books on psychology and spirituality. You can't argue your way out of dumped and you certainly cannot philosophize your way into convincing a woman to stay with you.
She has to live her life. Celebrate that she is alive, not fucking mourn it. Not seek her answers in books or others.
She is trying to celebrate her life. You are in the way of that. Books and other people are among the best ways to do that.
Do what makes you truly happy. If she doesn't, she'll end up a bitter, middle-aged woman, regretting the life she could have had. I simply cannot see Kate doing that.
She does do what makes her happy, as far as I know. She is now in her late thirties and I do not believe she is remotely bitter. You are only a little older and I'm not so sure about you.