Created on 3/22/01 from a letter written to Kate.
Response 2020.07.14
I wrote some very pissy letters to Kate and I am sorry. I was not, or rather, am not in at all a good mood. And I took it out on her, which I know is wrong. Actually I was taking it out on just about everyone in my surroundings, after I got home. My father started getting bitchy at me when I was in this mood, and I burst out in tears and ran into my room, where I bawled (As in moaning into my pillow, full body convulsions) for a while. Which is certainly not my normal behavior.
I am just going through a lot of stuff, most of which I don't consciously know about. Some of it does involve Kate. I am all screwed up about her. I don't know how to explain it. I think I pity that she has to endure all of this, too. Just, right now, I am ultra-sensitive about anything emotional. So, being as she evokes all manners of emotions within me, it is just too much to handle right now.
I just need some time and space before I can be normal happy Xen again. But I will be the man she loves again and I think it will be soon. I don't know what it is going to take. But I do want her to know that she is the most important thing in my life, frankly the reason I exist as such, and I don't want to lose her. I don't ever want to be with anyone else, nor do I want her to be with anyone else.
Please bear with me, because I am going to suck for a while. Try to take me with a grain of salt and some understanding. I don't mean to or want to be a bastard, especially to Kate. I just don't know what to do. I just want to be alone to think out everything. But I can't not be with her.
I want her to love me and endure me the best she can. I do love her, despite my behavior. I love her more than I can endure myself. I wouldn't do this for anyone else.