Author and Columnist
11/24/2010
I confront Melanie about my concerns. Because she brought up that she was again having doubts about our relationship after two weeks that, from my side, were good. It turns out that, on the way to me and the way from me, she did nothing but cry. She cried as she sampled rivers, she cried as she drove. When she was with me, things were blissful. This would be answer enough if I were in her shoes, I would want to continue feeling that bliss. This suggests rather a lot about her mental state.
I confronted her about how her relationship with Chip and especially Jenna made me uncomfortable. That I need more definition in this relationship. I got the whole line about how she stands on this precipice and she is not sure if she can be with me, not that she doesn't love me, but she wants to be alone in the world. I tell her that she never will be, that she will always have the cushion her parents provide. It doesn't make sense to me and has never been true in my life.
We talk for hours and the end result is that I suggest we have part two of the conversation when she gets back from winter break and remain together and as happy as is possible until then. This will give her a solid month to decompress and actually think rather than being plagued by her assignments because it seems that her discontent with me is couple with when her assignments are due.
I told various people that I feel as though I am this iceberg with her, so much beneath the surface that I reveal to them so she only gets the calmness of the peak above the surface. When, in fact, I have spent four hours on the phone analyzing.
I try not cry on the phone. Melanie cries a lot. She feels bad that she is the one who is crying, that I am the one who needs sympathy and someone to dote over me. And I'm not getting it. I've been taking a backseat to her emotions and issues, her school life in general. She acknowledges she is in a bubble. And we just talk for a while. Not all of it is dire. I interrupt our conversation for a moment to talk about my ideas for linguistics and a contrived language to modify behavior.
Then we end the conversation talking about how I am really doing it this way in hopes that it will work out. She says this is a good way of doing things even if it doesn't work out. I tell her that I have to operate under the belief that it will work out.
I have increasing doubts. This could just be a drawn out breakup. I have put so much of myself into this relationship. This is without a doubt the best relationship I have encountered, almost three years of my soul blossoming in the presence of another person, of contentment and happiness. I want her to go home and relax. And, unfortunately, Clio is going abroad next semester, so Melanie won't have her best friend and I won't have my confederate on this inside.
I want to cry. I want to be able to get this out and I needed to keep myself composed on the phone with her. I am really tired of hearing that I am the perfect partner, but they need to go and discover who they really are under the guise of drugs and sex. I am tired of being the stepping stone to a new life, because I have given them space and freedom. I am tired of being the one who is left behind for a new life. I don't know how otherwise to do this. I am keeping my therapy appointment though.
In theory, I still get a bit over a month with the person I have loved for three years. I only want this to be the beginning, but I don't know. She said things in the past, that she has hope, that she is growing up and wants me to come along with her. She wants a relationship with me.
Her therapist made it seem that what she is going through is completely normal, which I have told her in the past. Either path - leaving me behind or staying with me - is equally valid, so I have got even odds.
I feel miserable. I am trying my hardest to lead my life with authenticity and integrity. And there is this one thing, out of my control, that I cannot quite get to work. Again, it feels like I am being told that I cannot graduate because someone else did not finish her prerequisites. I don't want to be having any sort of echo. I don't want to go through with Melanie what I went through with Emily. I don't want to have to hate Melanie for a while so I can make the space to continue my life. She knows that this is the consequence because I will otherwise cling and devote myself to getting her back. I just want to get this out of me now. I want to be with her, I want to continue. I really see us as having a grand adventure. And, yeah, I don't know what comes next. She worries that we will move somewhere together and then she will have another flaring of these issues and will leave me in a strange land. I want the opportunity. I don't want to be preemptively dumped because she is uncertain as to what she is going to do. I wish she could see that she could see that this could be okay and I think, at times, she does. But when we get into these conversations, it's not like she can simple say that there is a big part of her that just wants to be with me. There is a part of her that just needs to defend this catastrophe.
I think it should be telling to her that, with me, she is so happy. Though I suppose it is hardly good that, on the bookends, she is crying. I wish she were around more, I wish we didn't have to have this conversation when she is going to her parents'.
I do not want her to stay with me because it would crush me for her to leave. I do not want her resenting me or feeling that I am holding her back.
Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. He has published four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings. He likes when you comment.