11/4/2010

We spoke briefly last night, because I am frankly too weak for total radio silence. I feel like your space should have been cobbled out in a battle room, like a truce. I don't know what you want or need and so I catastrophize. I know I am thinking the worst, but I can't help it.

I am furious with Jenna. She has met me, but she would rather delude herself and cause drama, estranging you to your friends on campus. She is an immature bitch who wants what she can't have badly enough to cause these issues when you are already having such a bad time.

That being said, you have to be aware that these situations keep coming up because you are not firm when people are attracted to you. It happened with Nick to the extent that your father overheard him sexually propositioning you years ago, because you just couldn't say no. And now Jenna is feeding into it. And there was that Andrea girl, too, who I found suspicious without quite knowing why but have not heard of since. You know why people do not confess their love to me? Because I set boundaries and, if people don't respect them, I separate myself from them. I know it is harsh upfront, but it is so much easier in the long run. And, frankly, it is an overture to cheating. It is leaving the door open a crack.

It is nothing I want to have to deal with in respect to you right now. I am insecure in our relationship as it is, by your issue's design. I don't need to worry about exactly what you were doing in public with Jenna that made people think you were slutty. If you need to cuddle, do it with someone who is actually safe, not someone who has confessed feelings for you. Clio springs immediately to mind: a heterosexual girl who is like a sister to you (and who is appropriately cuddly).

I am unambiguous that I am with you, because I move only within this world, the real world. You are in your Bard Bubble and only deal in the real world when you leave, which you try not to do. Isn't that part of the point of spending more and more time there, so you have to move in the real world less frequently?

I think, if you end up going to a competent therapist, our relationship stands a chance of healing, of growing stronger. If you make excuses, if you find a reason that you don't need therapy, I don't think we will continue to work out. In every way, I want our relationship to continue to grow together.

Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. He has published four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings. He likes when you comment.