-Arthur Miller 

Response 2022.01.03
I desire very greatly to no longer want Kate. I can't and won't say I don't love her or that I do not want to love her. I wish, however, that I didn't ache daily to be with her. I am not being poetic, I really do not want to want to be with her, but I feel impotent against the overwhelming force of my desire for her.
I have very little hope with her, she is very explicit that I am not what she wants, though she loves me.
This is despair. This swansong has gone on far too long.
I nearly got in an accident on my way to classes because I am brooding over her and this situation. I want to therefore live and be free. How much freer I felt before all of this. I bear a shackle now for her.
Years ago, when I went to my senior prom with Kate, I loved her so much that I cried over the beauty of her hair. I cannot escape how superb a person she was and is. She may choose to remember only the pain, but I cannot forget the glowing white beauty that was our relationship. Could be our relationship... NO! Hope hurts far too much to allow. I wonder if she is even thinking of me so far away in Texas.

I have been working much more in an effort to repay my car debt and still have some money to live on when I am living on campus (hopefully) next year. It is beginning to get to me, I feel highly inactive spending my days stamping books and reading MBTV recaps.

All week so far, I have looked forward to the end of classes. Not in a post-spring break way. As you know, I was drowning in boredom over break. Nor is it anticipation of the return of Kate, though I do not deny that I await her return so that I may have my heart broken by her yet again. Or kiss her and put the cardio-crushing off for another five minutes.
Every day, it feels that I am waking on Friday, merely a Friday named Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday that required me to attend classes. Nor is it the classes themselves, though I have had the distinct feeling I owed some very important work in nearly every class. Actually, I did owe an outline for a term paper I am supposed to be researching and writing for my Developmental Psychology class, but I wrote a two page, double spaced paper from nothingness twenty minutes before class when my teacher, Dave, informed me that it was due today. It wasn't perfect, but I was impressed with my "creativity" and typing.
Only Time will tell why I feel this uneasiness.

I met someone new today. I am trying to be more social, with the direction of Fate, as I am a gregarious animal. Sans others, I tend to fall asleep... or lament being lonely. Anyway, we will address her as, oh let's say, Dulcinea.
I had seen her and complimented her on her clothing several times in the past, though not really to engage her in conversation. I am just a great proponent of unexpected compliments from pretty strangers, especially if I am one of said strangers.
Several days ago, I complimented some lass because she made a lovely picture against the backdrop of the spring sky streaming through the large cafe window. Of course, I am half-blind so she was fairly blurry. She was an aesthetically pleasing blob of fuzzy color, however. The Fuzzy Pleasing Blob seemed pleasantly surprised, though I am sure she'd derive less pleasure from being addressed as a Fuzzy Blob.
Back to Dulcinea... actually, this story now seems significantly less interesting now. I can't imagine Dulcinea will play any more important role in my life, our interaction was brief and slightly suspect on her behalf. I may greet her in the halls henceforth but she is little different for our time together, as am I. Every interaction does not change the world.

I wish Kate had my angel pendant, as then I would feel a real lack rather than a psychoemotional one. I could pretend I missed it and not her. No, I could just feel that something else was missing from my life.