The shampoo came squeezed

Addendum 3/31/2021: This shampoo or conditioner made my scalp itch madly after a few weeks of use. I will definitely never use these products again. The review otherwise remains intact.

I have a patch of thin hair. I am not bald. I do not think that I will become bald because none of the relatives are (they do have thinner hair than they used to, however). In my adolescence, I had enviably long hair that girls adored playing with. I am not precisely sure when that changed, though there were a couple comments from kids when I substitute taught a decade ago. I assume it was some sort of curse wrought upon me for offending a wizard on the train. There is no other logical reason for it.

A few years ago, after taking some herbal supplement to no noticeable effect (though my darling wife Amber insisted I keep doing it because what was the harm?), I bit the bullet and tried Rogaine--or the generic equivalent thereof. I'm not made of money over here. Why should minoxidil work? It is supposed to restore blood flow to the follicles, helping them wake up again and receive nutrients. But dead is dead; if you started too late, you are out of luck. Like the herbal supplement, I cannot say for sure that it did anything much. Amber says yes. For the past year, my monthly photos were more of a shrug, but she would know better than I would. Amber might just be encouraging me because she thinks it is funny to see me narrow my eyes and decide whether I will be reassured for the next month. She, at least, says it isn't any worse, which is true.

I will not be sharing a before and after with you. I am mostly over the insecurity wrought by my hair, but I still hate seeing the back of my head recorded for posterity. BzzAgent, who provided these samples for Hims, isn't paying me enough for that. They are not, at that, paying me in anything beyond the free product. (Also, I have applied to try dozens of offers -- mostly much cooler than haircare products. This is the first time they've sent anything, which feels a touch pointed. I'm hip, BzzAgent.)

Seeing these items, Amber says that she does not want the shampoo and conditioner in the bathroom, as she is attempting to lead a life bereft of plastic. Unfortunately, aside from her shampoo and conditioner bars (the former of which she converted me to when my last shampoo ran out), most sanitary products come in plastic. She will have to cope since it would be more wasteful to not use them.

I know my angles

I have tried a few thickening shampoos. Most have not done much more than made my hair clean and smell nice. If my hair thickened, it did not do so with photographic evidence. One brand worked wonders but was also so full of peppermint oil that it burned my ears for days, leaving them red and scaly. Looking as though I am slowly being eaten away was not worth luxurious locks. (When I contacted the company to ask if they had a shampoo and conditioner that didn't qualify as chemical warfare, they said it wasn't their problem and to try to get my money back from the store that sold their product. I did not want a refund; I wanted a suggestion. As far as I can tell, they only sell products that reek like toxic waste from the candy cane factory. Okay for Santa's elves with thinning hair, but less ideal for humans with sensitive skin.)

Hims had the deck stacked against them. Their minoxidil is not a unique formulation--I doubt people would want that. It does come in a dropper. I find that more obnoxious (but considerably cheaper) than the foam, which has the decency to stay in place and not try to drip down my neck. I expected no change from that, though I will obligingly switch to their liquid until it is exhausted, then almost certainly return to using foam. Also, even in the best of circumstances, a month of minoxidil can't possibly do anything. The recommended regimen is about three to four months before seeing results, so sending just one borders on pointless (or is like a pusher given the first hit for free). That puts more pressure on their shampoo and conditioner to bring forth a noticeable improvement.

At around $15 a month for the minoxidil, it is a bit more expensive than my regular six-month supply on the generic, but not by much. Having it delivered to one's home might make it worth it, though it is best not to buy it one bottle at a time (and not merely for the environment).

I tried the liquid. It was like a liquid. Even the dropper and bottle looked identical to the generic version, though with a Hims label attached. Let us say for the sake of fairness that the liquid would work just as well as any other minoxidil in a dropper--which is to say, it may not. Some people do not respond to minoxidil, but there is no reason to assume this one would be any more or less effective.

Some issues of scientific note before going on (this is an experiment, is it not?). I have not had a haircut in a year. There has been a global pandemic if you haven't heard, and I did not feel comfortable going to my barber during it (she had been chronically ill before all this started; I'd hate to kill the woman who gave me the best haircuts). As such, what hair is there is the longest it had been since the mid-2010s, reaching my jacket collar. It is healthy and strong; my hair doesn't suffer from dryness or brittleness, possibly owing to choosing suitable products. (I am not as cheap as I made myself out to be paragraphs before when buying my hair care items, but I am also not shelling out a small fortune at a salon for something that sounds and smells more like a witch's brew.) I wash my hair every other day. I used to do it twice a week, but it wasn't flexible enough. I use my minoxidil in the morning and afternoon; I did it at night, which gave me insomnia. Do what works for you.

In general, putting aside that thin patch, I feel that I have good hair is the point.

So, here is what I require from Hims shampoo and conditioner:

1. It cannot cause chemical burns.
2. It cannot be worse than a shampoo bar.
3. If it feels generous, it could be better than the "organic, fair trade, hewn by vegan Jainist nun" shampoo bar.
4. It should smell nice.
5. It could make my hair feel or appear thicker.

A high bar indeed.

On the first, third, and fourth counts, it passes. It is mild and pleasant. I have suffered no burns whatsoever. Even when some got in my eye -- a hazard of nightly showering with a loved one -- it did not lead me to undignified whining. It washes out cleanly. It is vegan. Plastic aside, it is about as ethical as one will get, though Amber did notice the potential presence of palm oil, which leads to gorilla deaths.

Now to the fifth count. I don't know. It might feel thicker, but I also didn't put active energy toward feeling my hair before this. I have noticed that my hair tangles in my brush since using it, but that may be a coincidence, a side effect of my hair growing longer, or a side effect of the weather. Hair is mysterious that way and not inclined to divulge its secrets readily. According to my research assistant Amber, it doesn't appear any thicker. Oh, she won't outright say that. It isn't her way. But she made ambivalent noises when asked, which means that she has noticed no difference. If it had been noticeably better, she would have said so. If my hair looked thinner, she would have leaped upon that as a reason to cast the plastic demons into the recycling bin.

I categorically refuse to take finasteride. I aspire to never be vain enough to deal with those side effects (erectile dysfunction and a loss of libido are mentioned prominently, both of which can become permanent). My snake oil pills contain -- among various lawn clippings -- saw palmetto, which is supposed to inhibit DHT, a hormonal byproduct that makes hair follicles choke into extinction. Saw palmetto is also in the shampoo, though, as the shampoo is not intended to be worn throughout one's day, there is no reason that this should help anything; it is washed off too quickly to have an effect. The conditioner contains biotin, a vitamin that is also in my multivitamin, which is meant to strengthen hair follicles. I tend to have slightly more faith that the few minutes my hair marinates in the conditioner allows the biotin to take a small effect.

At $19 (though cheaper at stores than through their site), this shampoo borders on three times what I spent at the grocery store for my preferred brands. The same goes for Amber's bars, which last a suspiciously long time. Given that its saw palmetto can't do anything much, I would not buy this over more affordable options. It's just shampoo.

The conditioner's $12 price tag isn't too intimidating (it is $22 on their site, but $10 cheaper at Target). Again, my preferred and effective conditioners (which came in slightly larger bottles) were usually between $6-$9. I've tried several, mostly when the grocery store was out of stock on the one I preferred. The niacinamide in it is mainly used to treat rosacea and wrinkles when taken orally or topically. It is basically vitamin B3 with a fancier name. If my hair is getting thicker, it is owing to the conditioner.

Of the things BzzAgent sent me, this is the one I might consider continuing to use. It is a quality conditioner, even if it might be the source of my tangled hair. Don't expect miracles from it because you won't get any, but it is worth the slightly higher expense.