Melanie

Melanie wishes she hailed directly from France rather than just owing allegiance and citizenship to the country through her mother. Instead, she can pass for a rather wholesome American girl, though she'd prefer this were not the case. She speaks fluent, though vernacular French (often on the phone with her mother, with the occasional and jarring Anglo word thrown in). She retains disdain for the continent of her occupancy. She says the most exotic and lovely things in French to Xen to entice him back into bed. At least he assumes she does, since he speaks no French beyond "the monkey is in the tree" or "my grandmother is on fire." It could just be Gallic gibberish. She has repeatedly threatened to drag him to France, wrongly assuming he would resist a Parisian misadventure with an attractive and fluent consort. She has also spent time in Switzerland, Egypt, England, Austria, Japan, Morocco, the Czech Republic, and Xen's bed (she insisted this country be added). Her passport is highly stamped over.

She has lived most of her life in a town in Ohio so dull that even the name seems to drain the sparkle from her eyes. She is the only daughter of two college professors, a condition that forced her to be precociously intelligent in order to compensate at dinner parties.

Like most sane people, life after elementary school was hell for Melanie and she found it best to erect a protective carapace around her more sensitive bits, heart and mind especially. And by this, we mean that she boasts of having broken the nose of some middle school abuser in her class, though this, too, is more to the cause of her toughness than literal truth.

She begrudges the universe that her ADD was not diagnosed and treated much sooner, as it caused her to lose what productivity she could have squeezed out of early adolescence. She doesn't buy into Xen's reasoning that it was at least diagnosed and treated prior to college. Incidentally, her Adderall caused her to burn through her teenage chubbiness, leaving her fit, disparaging toward the chronically overweight, and in profound fear of even an additional pound.

She spent her early years cycling though the theological gamut, finally settling on surrealist atheism. When you understand why you have rejected all other religions, you will see why yours didn't suit her.

She had her scientific research used in an article that was printed in a scholarly journal before she was eighteen. You may not realize it, but girls who could have hypothetically worn lab coats are hot. Just picturing her with some thick rimmed glasses, holding a test tube, is enough to warm the blood. Incidentally, she was recently given permission to breed a vicious, invasive crustacean with claws covered in fur as soft as a bunny. We can't be certain she didn't engineer this species retroactively to be her perfect minions.

Despite evidence that would suggest otherwise, she claims she is not a genius. This could be her humbleness talking, or perhaps she is trying to throw Xen off her tracks. She is certainly clever enough to attempt this. She does correct Xen's grammar and spelling, though she is one of the few who is so confident in her abilities that she attempts arguments about conditionals and subjunctives. Again, sexy.

Melanie attends Bard College where, this week, she is studying for a degree in environmental studies. She has previously considered majoring in Japanese, philosophy, and politics, but none really stuck.

She met Xen through a social networking/dating website, both fairly freshly out of the wrong relationships, though she insists the official story should be that they met at a coffeehouse in Woodstock over a mixed up drink order and banter about Eddie Izzard.

After that first date, the two fell into a quick and fond relationship, spending the very next weekend together. Despite some issues, such as Xen crashing his car and her having to leave for the summer twice, they have persisted and grown strong and resolute in their love.

Aside from her continued and permanent romance with Xen, Melanie is best friends with Hannah, Jinx, and Daniel, reacting like a sister to the latter two.

On Xenex, she wrote exactly one entry to a column she called The Project and then stopped. She has mused having her artwork here as well, but that has yet to occur. As she does write Jesus slash fiction, there is hope.

Vital Statistics

Known Aliases: Nymph, Mel (though largely to Xen's family), Mellie, Melliness, Minx, Ragamuffin, Muffin, Lelepants, Lele, Eucalyptus, M-Dawg, Momo, Peach Thigh, Iequabballaghbragh, Eskaboobalabra, Ashley, Bunny, Sweet Polly Purebred

Birthday: July 17, 1989. If you've mastered calendar math, you may realize this means she is not 12.

Zodiac: Cancer

Height: 5'4" [The bit about her being a munchkin has been excised for the good of humanity and Xen's shins]

Eyes: You'd think brown from a distance, hazel from a quick look, but you'd be wrong. It is like a Russian forest being swallowed in the oblivion of her irises, dark green fading from brown to black.

Hair: Russet and straight, with a copper shine in the right light.

Spiritual Path/Religion: Surrealist Atheism

Quotes: "Hipsters don't play RPGs, they play Mario Party."
"Being fictional takes the sting out of atheism."
"Some kids wanted to be astronauts. Some kids wanted to be firefighters. I wanted to be a fetish model."
"You don't put 'self-injury' as your interest on Facebook. You put it as your occupation on MySpace. There's a difference."
"Oh, one night stands are not so bad so long as they are not with prostitutes."
"I'm gonna rape you with my cuteness."
"Monkeys make me mean. I love you, but I hate monkeys."
"I love you more than Darth Vader loves Hello Kitty."
"Death. You so tasty!"
"You just don't take away a French person's cheese. It isn't done."
"I will love you forever, with short naps interspersed."
"Pestilential with kisses and full of squirming maggots full of glee."
"That's the trouble with unbridled passion. It makes everything else so disappointing..."
"You make me glee myself."
"My spirit animal is Terri Schiavo."
"If you were blind, I would learn sign language for you."
"If I had a daughter, I would name her Midad so boys would be all, 'I took Midad to the movies. We macked it.' If I had twins, it would be Midad and Urmom. They'd have to be adopted from Malaysia."
"All badasses are cute and sweet deep down... except assholes."
"Regret, what an odd thing! Like having squirrels arguing in the walls at night."
"It was a chocolate cake that could be used to convert people from one religion to another."
"I wish there were a word for incontinence in terms of having children."
"You shouldn't want to live the best stories you ever read."
"If we ever divorce, I want custody of you."
"You are a magical creature, you don't need fourth grade math "

Divine Dominion Over: French, dead people

Best advice: Stop thinking and start feeling.

Future Profession: Dilettante (are they still hiring?), scientist, mad scientist, and time lord.

Current Profession: College student, muck sorter, mussel counter, and time lord.

Best Quality: The ability to contain her thoughts in a body that looks so innocuous.

Weakness(es): Time, Claritin, her mother's disapproval, board games that are not Candyland, loud sounds, bars, people who don't impress her, people who disappoint her expectations for them, overthinking, tests, ginger snaps (added to throw off her arch-nemises).

Superpower: Assertiveness. You will give in.

Similar to: Chuck from Pushing Daisies, Anais Nin